RIP

I just got news that a boy I went to high school with - and who goes to OU with me now - was stabbed and killed at ComFest last night.

The details are fuzzy, but what is known about the altercation is here.

His name is Brian Barbin and he's a good kid. We talk frequently at school, and he deserved so much better than to die at the end of a knife.

If you're religious please pray for his family and friends.

((More posts to come on what I've been doing lately))

Blahh...

As soon as I feel on top of the world...

I've been eating a bit more than usual since I've come home, both because there's yummy food around and because I've stopped obsessing over calories. My lack of photos is testament to the fact that I've been eating without putting much thought or care into the food.

I freaked out this morning, having snacked all night last night, and my mom came into my room as I was crying. I had never had "the conversation" with her regarding my eating disorder and it was finally time.

Overall it went well. She saw me drop 30 lbs last year so it was no huge shock, my friends and extended family all had their suspicions. She asked questions and she let me answer them. Mostly now I just feel really relieved - a weight has been lifted. She knows not to make comments to me about calories or my weight at a given period of time.

The best part was that as she leads a class for women who have been sexually abused she has materials at hand regarding coping mechanisms. She shared a paper with me that had to do with the difference between being responsible to and being responsible for someone. I always take on "project friends": the people who I think I can fix. Instead of listening to them and asking about how they're doing as a person or the root of the problem, I think of the practical solution to the problem. If they don't do what I recommended they do I'm frustrated and hurt.

Lately, too, my dad has been drinking a lot. For a man with a family and personal history of alcoholism, that's no bueno. Thursday night he went out to some bars alone and stayed out really late. He says he met some young kids who "respected him" and he was talking to them about motorcycles - his love. He has been really self-focused and moody, too. My dad is a teaser and lately the only conversations we've had have been him teasing me about food and me laughing them off. It hurts my feelings when he does this, but if he didn't relate to me in that way he wouldn't be talking to me at all. I need quality Dad time.

Rarely do I cry but when I do it's straight-up waterworks. Today was no exception. I couldn't stop and it was therapudic! I didn't even care.

My brother came over while my mom and I were talking and we had a good convo about spiritual attack. Satan is totally getting at me where my weakness lies because I haven't been into the Word on a regular basis or striving for the goals I set for the summer. I fully plan to get on that beginning tomorrow morning. My mom and brother both see the same things in my dad that I do and my mom plans to talk to him about it. (The drinking, the self-focus, and the anti-social mentality)

I've always thought of myself as the glue that held my family together and the stress that creates is immense. I eat when I'm anxious and the anxiety comes from the feelings I leach from my friends and family. I need to learn how to not own other people's emotion (I'm a painfully empathetic person)in order to be a better friend and worker for God.

News

I have something really, really exciting to share with you.

I feel like a new person. Over the past few days it's been a slow progression but I finally feel ready to gain weight. I feel as if a veil named Anorexia has been lifted, and I only have God to thank for that.

The events that preceded my slippery slope of an eating disorder are finally coming to light and I'm able to acknowledge them and move past. I have such an amazing support system here in Columbus - it's great to be back!

I knew this day would come: my self-destructive behaviors have taken quite a toll on my body and now I must deal with the consequences. HOWEVER, I have a healthier take on life than before the massive drop in body weight, i.e. veganism.

Before my lovely vegan friends feel slighted by a girl who only lends fuel to the fire in which omnis insist that all vegans have raging eating disorders, I must clarify. My decision to go vegan stands intact. I love conscious living and my friends and family know that it's 'so me'. I've always teared up at the sight of road kill and named even inanimate objects in an effort to befriend them. As I read in an insightful chapter of Becoming Vegan: regardless of your original agenda in going vegan, many people fall in love with the lifestyle in the process. Healing doesn't mean eating meat (MOM!). Healing means accepting yourself and focusing your energy on making the world a better place, rather than keeping yourself thin.

So to conclude - I 100% plan to remain, and flourish as, a vegan. I've found my soap box. I'm ready to gain weight and attend doctors visit after doctors visit in order to re-start my womanhood...

Follow me as I get healthy inside and out. None of this would be possible without my relationshiop with Christ. We had a long chat last night after the OAR concert - I told him I wanted a relationship and he told me I wasn't ready. I was not happy. BUT, this morning, I woke up and realized that he'd liberated me! :)

ConAgra Blast - Hope for Change?

Oh, ConAgra...karma is a bitch.

I am NOT saying that the people who died or were injured in the blast in any way, shape, or form 'deserved it'. Hell no - my condolences to their families. It's a shame that our current job market forces some to work for companies like ConAgra.

On a purely beurocratic level, I hope this tragedy hurts. Do you know how many animals are murdered at this plant daily? I don't. I can't find the info.

But I did find this article about John Munsell, a former meat-packer who is now an "activist" (I assume they mean a food safety activist). He hates on ConAgra hardcore.

Anyway, the whole point of my post was to send my hope out into the universe that today's horrible accident will inspire tougher regulations on such factories. Not only inspections of the facilities themselves, but more practical solutions in the way of slaughterhouses. While I'd love to shut them all down today, that's not going to happen. The best we can hope for is a small difference - tougher regulations that make it more expensive for companies like ConAgra to run a slaughterhouse. If it were cheaper for them to do it another way (is there another way? a more sustainable, humaine way? ::sigh::) they would - it's all about making bank.

I hate this!! I hate that the murder of helpless creatures persists.

I suppose all that I can do is continue to live as vegan as possible and to educate those around me on the cruelty involved in this senseless industry.

Go listen to: Ray LaMontagne - Empty

I get to come home on Wednesday!! At this point all I'm doing is eating and watching movies online. No studying. No exercise. I've even gotten into vegan junk food like oreos and these freezable fruit smoothie things they sell in our markets. I just had three of them.

It's time to go home.

I'm very 'all or nothing' so I loose the ability to work in moderation when stress comes along. Sometimes I get really into exercise or sleep. This week it's eating, apparently. I'm not worried, though, I'll have plenty of veg and whole grains all summer...

My parents visited my aunt and uncle in Fort Wayne, Indiana this weekend. They're surrounded by amish farms and they grow a bit themselves. Mom and Dad came home with tons of home-grown goodies and even a few plants from my aunt's greenhouse!

That boy I told you about earlier is trying to redeem himself. We'll see how it goes. I'm very old-fashioned: I won't call him or text him first. He has to make all of the effort and I also have high standards for the way I think he should treat me. (Sounds healthy enough, but this comes from having learned the hard way. My 'type' was the jock asshole who is cocky as hell and doesn't call after the first hook-up unless he wants another. No more of that!!) So far so good - he just gives me a ton of space...don't think there are other girls in the picture, so I can handle space!

Classes = OVER, Exams Here I Come...

Thanks for the comments on my last post, Tracy and Andrew. On second thought they are probably situations that no one would enjoy.

I just saw "He's Not That Into You" last weekend and found it throughly amusing in its truthfulness. It came at a good time, too, as I've been trying to push a certain boy who doesn't seem to want to call me out of my mind.

The last Starving Artists' Lunch is this afternoon! I hope Vegan Cooking Workshop will continue on into next year - I know I'm willing to step up to some responsibility (how's that for commitment??) in place of Boaz. Tuesday night we enjoyed falafel, home made pita, tabbouleh, hummus, baklava, and salad with the infamous dressings we know and love as VCW regulars. :)

I cannot convey my excitement in returning to Columbus for the summer!! I hope to work with Mercy For Animals (I really want to speak to Nathan Runkel again and let him know how he's changed my life...last time I met him I was an omnivore who knew next to nothing about animal cruelty.) and do lots of cooking. Next year I'll return to a HOUSE in Athens - no more dorm life woo!! - so I can continue to cook from here on out! I'll keep you all posted with pictures and recipes.

My current favorite cook book (I still use the training wheels) is Vegan Planet. I find it more user-friendly for a college student than Veganomicon.

I'm off to lunch!

commitment phobe

Go listen to: Iron and Wine - Woman King


I had an epiphany this morning as I was getting dressed for my 9am class (now forgotten, discarded for the pressing matter ahead of me).

I am terrified of commitment.

"Aren't we all?" sparks a voice within.
No, not quite like this.
I go to a school that has a strong reputation for partying. There are "fests" every weekend of Spring quarter, so naturally my friends wanted me to make an appearance at one a few weeks back. I reluctantly said I would join.
This particular "fest" takes place pretty far off-campus. There's no way to get back unless you arrange your own ride, which we were having a hard time acquiring. The tickets had to be purchased in advance. The alcohol had to pass by countless cops who littered the entrance of the neon-orange plastic gate held up by plastic pumpkin-inspired barrels strategically placed for crowd control. Knowing her friend well, H promised she would take care of all of this as long as I actually showed up.
I forgot the final factor: weather.
I attended this fest last year and had a horrible time. There was mud everywhere, clinging to the flip flops it stole from inebriated guests. The "peeing hill" caused the entire field to reek, and I wandered from one group to the next, wondering when and how I would ever return to my room - after a long, disinfecting shower, that is. All of this was on top of room mate issues that forced me to go at the whole ordeal alone.

So this year I spent the entire week prior to the fest with the engagement at the back of my mind. I worried about the weather that promised a repeat of last year. In my mind, I was going to wander alone yet again, hating life and everyone in it.
Thursday rolled around and I could take no more. I told H not to buy tickets (she hadn't yet, adding to my reluctance). She promptly picked up the phone and made other arrangements for her weekend - now her weekend at home 100+ miles away.

Holy shit I never commit. (In my mind that didn't rhyme...)

Similar events float to the front of my mind like bubbles on the surface of a 7-up glass: the time I ditched out on my friend J because I couldn't say I would help him with his project all year. The two clubs I'm a part of that meet on Tuesdays: I never go! I email, give excuses, find a reason to skip out each week. Scheduling for Fall quarter last Friday, for God's sake. I spent nearly a full five minutes contemplating a 9:30am class - could I really promise to be there at 9am every day? But the 1pm was no different - what if I got hungry for lunch around that time?


Oh God, I'm 'that girl.'

I realize that I have baggage just like everyone else. There are events in not-so-ancient history that foreshadow this quirk of mine. I am not the only one who hates to promise something on which I may not be able to follow through...but I never realized I would turn into 'that girl' from the chick flicks. I'm the cute neurotic one that's the butt of all of the jokes. I hate that girl! She make all women look spineless and needy.

Now I'm nauseous, recalling yet more instances my bad behavior. My insanity continues with the resulting fight with myself:
"Remember senior year of high school when you wouldn't join the yearbook because it was year-long comm-"
"I know! Stop using that word!"



Does a synonym for commitment even exist?






How about "death trap."