Tuesday, June 2, 2009

commitment phobe

Go listen to: Iron and Wine - Woman King

I had an epiphany this morning as I was getting dressed for my 9am class (now forgotten, discarded for the pressing matter ahead of me).

I am terrified of commitment.

"Aren't we all?" sparks a voice within.
No, not quite like this.
I go to a school that has a strong reputation for partying. There are "fests" every weekend of Spring quarter, so naturally my friends wanted me to make an appearance at one a few weeks back. I reluctantly said I would join.
This particular "fest" takes place pretty far off-campus. There's no way to get back unless you arrange your own ride, which we were having a hard time acquiring. The tickets had to be purchased in advance. The alcohol had to pass by countless cops who littered the entrance of the neon-orange plastic gate held up by plastic pumpkin-inspired barrels strategically placed for crowd control. Knowing her friend well, H promised she would take care of all of this as long as I actually showed up.
I forgot the final factor: weather.
I attended this fest last year and had a horrible time. There was mud everywhere, clinging to the flip flops it stole from inebriated guests. The "peeing hill" caused the entire field to reek, and I wandered from one group to the next, wondering when and how I would ever return to my room - after a long, disinfecting shower, that is. All of this was on top of room mate issues that forced me to go at the whole ordeal alone.

So this year I spent the entire week prior to the fest with the engagement at the back of my mind. I worried about the weather that promised a repeat of last year. In my mind, I was going to wander alone yet again, hating life and everyone in it.
Thursday rolled around and I could take no more. I told H not to buy tickets (she hadn't yet, adding to my reluctance). She promptly picked up the phone and made other arrangements for her weekend - now her weekend at home 100+ miles away.

Holy shit I never commit. (In my mind that didn't rhyme...)

Similar events float to the front of my mind like bubbles on the surface of a 7-up glass: the time I ditched out on my friend J because I couldn't say I would help him with his project all year. The two clubs I'm a part of that meet on Tuesdays: I never go! I email, give excuses, find a reason to skip out each week. Scheduling for Fall quarter last Friday, for God's sake. I spent nearly a full five minutes contemplating a 9:30am class - could I really promise to be there at 9am every day? But the 1pm was no different - what if I got hungry for lunch around that time?

Oh God, I'm 'that girl.'

I realize that I have baggage just like everyone else. There are events in not-so-ancient history that foreshadow this quirk of mine. I am not the only one who hates to promise something on which I may not be able to follow through...but I never realized I would turn into 'that girl' from the chick flicks. I'm the cute neurotic one that's the butt of all of the jokes. I hate that girl! She make all women look spineless and needy.

Now I'm nauseous, recalling yet more instances my bad behavior. My insanity continues with the resulting fight with myself:
"Remember senior year of high school when you wouldn't join the yearbook because it was year-long comm-"
"I know! Stop using that word!"

Does a synonym for commitment even exist?

How about "death trap."


  1. It doesn't sound like you are afraid of commitment. It just sounds like you don't want to commit to stuff you don't want to do... Which is reasonable.

    That festival sounded awful, who would want to commit to that? and 9 am class? really? These are your best examples?

    Don't worry about being "that girl" just yet...

  2. Hey -- I'd have to agree with Andrew. Those all sound like crappy things to commit to.

    You've committed to veganism pretty well. And you obviously commit to school enough to make it to college and not fail out just yet. Maybe you just don't like awkward, horrible situations? I'm a bit of a phobe like that. Like, do I really want to go there? Do I really want to endure the agony of potential awkwardness? I'm just incredibly shy that way, though.

    Anyways, nice post. I wanted to comment back and let you know that I had a typo in that recipe. I just fixed it. Just an FYI if you planned on making it! I think someone else already made it, which makes me feel bad. I guess I'll proof read better next time before I post!