commitment phobe

Go listen to: Iron and Wine - Woman King


I had an epiphany this morning as I was getting dressed for my 9am class (now forgotten, discarded for the pressing matter ahead of me).

I am terrified of commitment.

"Aren't we all?" sparks a voice within.
No, not quite like this.
I go to a school that has a strong reputation for partying. There are "fests" every weekend of Spring quarter, so naturally my friends wanted me to make an appearance at one a few weeks back. I reluctantly said I would join.
This particular "fest" takes place pretty far off-campus. There's no way to get back unless you arrange your own ride, which we were having a hard time acquiring. The tickets had to be purchased in advance. The alcohol had to pass by countless cops who littered the entrance of the neon-orange plastic gate held up by plastic pumpkin-inspired barrels strategically placed for crowd control. Knowing her friend well, H promised she would take care of all of this as long as I actually showed up.
I forgot the final factor: weather.
I attended this fest last year and had a horrible time. There was mud everywhere, clinging to the flip flops it stole from inebriated guests. The "peeing hill" caused the entire field to reek, and I wandered from one group to the next, wondering when and how I would ever return to my room - after a long, disinfecting shower, that is. All of this was on top of room mate issues that forced me to go at the whole ordeal alone.

So this year I spent the entire week prior to the fest with the engagement at the back of my mind. I worried about the weather that promised a repeat of last year. In my mind, I was going to wander alone yet again, hating life and everyone in it.
Thursday rolled around and I could take no more. I told H not to buy tickets (she hadn't yet, adding to my reluctance). She promptly picked up the phone and made other arrangements for her weekend - now her weekend at home 100+ miles away.

Holy shit I never commit. (In my mind that didn't rhyme...)

Similar events float to the front of my mind like bubbles on the surface of a 7-up glass: the time I ditched out on my friend J because I couldn't say I would help him with his project all year. The two clubs I'm a part of that meet on Tuesdays: I never go! I email, give excuses, find a reason to skip out each week. Scheduling for Fall quarter last Friday, for God's sake. I spent nearly a full five minutes contemplating a 9:30am class - could I really promise to be there at 9am every day? But the 1pm was no different - what if I got hungry for lunch around that time?


Oh God, I'm 'that girl.'

I realize that I have baggage just like everyone else. There are events in not-so-ancient history that foreshadow this quirk of mine. I am not the only one who hates to promise something on which I may not be able to follow through...but I never realized I would turn into 'that girl' from the chick flicks. I'm the cute neurotic one that's the butt of all of the jokes. I hate that girl! She make all women look spineless and needy.

Now I'm nauseous, recalling yet more instances my bad behavior. My insanity continues with the resulting fight with myself:
"Remember senior year of high school when you wouldn't join the yearbook because it was year-long comm-"
"I know! Stop using that word!"



Does a synonym for commitment even exist?






How about "death trap."