Blahh...

As soon as I feel on top of the world...

I've been eating a bit more than usual since I've come home, both because there's yummy food around and because I've stopped obsessing over calories. My lack of photos is testament to the fact that I've been eating without putting much thought or care into the food.

I freaked out this morning, having snacked all night last night, and my mom came into my room as I was crying. I had never had "the conversation" with her regarding my eating disorder and it was finally time.

Overall it went well. She saw me drop 30 lbs last year so it was no huge shock, my friends and extended family all had their suspicions. She asked questions and she let me answer them. Mostly now I just feel really relieved - a weight has been lifted. She knows not to make comments to me about calories or my weight at a given period of time.

The best part was that as she leads a class for women who have been sexually abused she has materials at hand regarding coping mechanisms. She shared a paper with me that had to do with the difference between being responsible to and being responsible for someone. I always take on "project friends": the people who I think I can fix. Instead of listening to them and asking about how they're doing as a person or the root of the problem, I think of the practical solution to the problem. If they don't do what I recommended they do I'm frustrated and hurt.

Lately, too, my dad has been drinking a lot. For a man with a family and personal history of alcoholism, that's no bueno. Thursday night he went out to some bars alone and stayed out really late. He says he met some young kids who "respected him" and he was talking to them about motorcycles - his love. He has been really self-focused and moody, too. My dad is a teaser and lately the only conversations we've had have been him teasing me about food and me laughing them off. It hurts my feelings when he does this, but if he didn't relate to me in that way he wouldn't be talking to me at all. I need quality Dad time.

Rarely do I cry but when I do it's straight-up waterworks. Today was no exception. I couldn't stop and it was therapudic! I didn't even care.

My brother came over while my mom and I were talking and we had a good convo about spiritual attack. Satan is totally getting at me where my weakness lies because I haven't been into the Word on a regular basis or striving for the goals I set for the summer. I fully plan to get on that beginning tomorrow morning. My mom and brother both see the same things in my dad that I do and my mom plans to talk to him about it. (The drinking, the self-focus, and the anti-social mentality)

I've always thought of myself as the glue that held my family together and the stress that creates is immense. I eat when I'm anxious and the anxiety comes from the feelings I leach from my friends and family. I need to learn how to not own other people's emotion (I'm a painfully empathetic person)in order to be a better friend and worker for God.